Everything Sounds Better in Sarcasm!

Here is a list of 20 phrases you should never say sarcastically. (Unless you want to immediately grab my attention, in which case go right ahead. Just don't direct the comment towards me.)

(And by the way, quotation marks around each phrase are implied here.)

20) That was brilliant.

19) I like you, kid.

18) I LOVE doing chores! (Why: Chances are someone is going to hear you, not realize you were being sarcastic, then beat you up.)

17) Oh, good. I was worried.

16) I hope you get better soon.

15) Do you want fries with that? (I don't know if this actually applies under this list, but I've heard this phrase so many times I've grown to hate it, and for some unknown reason wanted to share this with you.)

14) I'm looking forward to another great day.

13) I really enjoyed that test. (Again, some stupid-parade of a classmate is going to overhear you and take you seriously.)

12) I miss you. No, really.

11) I'm telling you, my hands are purple because of those berries, not marker.

10) Of course there's a pop quiz today. It would only make sense, seeing as how today is my best day ever. (By now you understand the reasoning.)

9) "EASY ON THE GAS!" "OH, OK!"

8) Good job on your presentation.

7) I sincerely wish for today to never end. (Be careful what you wish for...)

6) Wait, if you slap me again over here, you might get more satisfaction. No, really, go ahead. Try it. (The brawn over brain theory proves that people that are more towards the "brawn" end of the spectrum cannot "hear" sarcasm. Said in the most gentle way possible.)

5) Math is my favorite subject. (Someone else will reply, "Here, I'll let you do mine.")

4) How did you miss my head? It's huge. (They will pick up the ball again and aim for your face. Dodgeball is not a place for sarcasm, young children, or a Winnernerd of any kind.)

3) I think I've found my soul mate. (This phrase, when used sarcastically, is best used when following a stranger doing something irrationally stupid, like driving with their forehead or wearing roller skates in a mall.)

2) No, those pants do not make you look fat.

1) That shot was great, let's do it again! (Apparently, nurses don't appreciate this.)